Character determines the fate of the child, and parents determine the character of the child.
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Zhihu has a hot topic: "how to judge whether a child will be promising in the future?"
A high-praise answer goes like this:
"as long as your child is confident and optimistic, the future will not fail. After all, psychologist Jack Hodge says that character determines fate.
Mrs. Thatcher proved that character determines choice, and choice determines fate."
it is a pity that we do not realize the impact of character on life and work until we are adults, and when we become parents, we focus on our children's intelligence and strengths, and more and more ignore their personality traits.
the documentary the Truth of character has come to the conclusion after scientific verification: "genetic factors determine 40% to 50% of character, and other determinants of character come from the environment."
that is to say, the acquired character of the child is created by the parents.
parenting expert Li Meijin also pointed out:
"Intelligence is born, but character is acquired.
if you want to cultivate children's good character and character, family education is very important. "
parents' different ways of education will cultivate children with different personalities, and the general direction determines the fate of their children.
autocratic parents it is easy to cultivate children with inferiority complex and cowardice.
the typical characteristics of autocratic parents are: "high demand, low response".
like to use their own standards to ask children, but do not realize that too high requirements will stifle the child's nature, and can not accept the child's feedback, require the child to obey unconditionally, can not encourage the child in time.
such parents will create a repressed and closed growth environment for their children, and their children are easy to form bad personality traits such as inferiority, anxiety, confrontation, withdrawal, dependence, poor social skills, and more prone to psychological problems.
Beth, the mother in the documentary living with the enemy, is such a parent. She believes that
"discipline is love, parents have an absolute right to speak, make rules and have complete control over their children."
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she has three sons, aged 18, 13 and 10.
in order to prevent children from receiving bad information, Beth sent out her mobile phone in the morning, recycled it in the evening, and peeked at it, even her 18-year-old son.
she is proud that all three children are very obedient.
but in fact, every child suppresses his nature and dares not to talk to his parents while secretly playing video games forbidden by his parents.
the 18-year-old son is even more pitiful. When he learned that his mother would peek at his phone, he was briefly surprised and chose to compromise.
because he has been used to being obedient since childhood, he really can't say "no" to his mother.
but what he really thinks is: "I often feel suffocated and don't want to talk about anything with my parents."
under the suppression of their parents, the three boys have the same personality:
do not have the courage to express their true thoughts to their parents;
appear to be obedient and play games forbidden by their parents;
gradually close their minds and stop communicating with their parents.
this is the child raised by autocratic parents.
character inferiority complex and cowardice, will feel that their own ideas are not worth mentioning, will hate to become an accessory of others, but unable to resist, it is easy to compromise to fate, painful drift with the current.
in fact, parents exercise strict discipline out of love for their children and want to be responsible for their children's future.
however, when love is too autocratic, it often becomes a "hindrance" to the development of children's nature.
it is easy to cultivate selfish and worthless children
the typical characteristics of doting parents are: "low requirements, high reaction".
treat the child as a little emperor and princess from an early age, unconditionally meet the child's requirements, but rarely make demands on the child.
parents create an indulgent environment with no bottom line. Children tend to be selfish and capricious, have no sense of value, and are prone to more problems in interpersonal relationships and social communication.
Lao Shi, who is in his thirties, appeared on "Thank you for coming" and asked for help on "how to grow up".
he accomplished nothing and divorced at home, relying on his parents in their seventies to grow vegetables in the greenhouse.
he is also very contradictory, while selfishly "gnawing on the elderly":
make trouble outside and let her mother take care of it;
if she doesn't have a house to get married, let her put together a down payment;
No one takes care of the children in divorce, so let her mother help him raise them.
on the other side, he also hates his incompetence, but is powerless to resist, so he can only drink to paralyze himself.
Why are men in their late forties so naive?
of course he has his own responsibility, but it is undeniable that his parents' doting on him as a "baby" has long killed his ability to grow up.
Psychological expert Bo Yanyi pointed out the harm of parents' doting:
"he always feels that he has a way out, so he will never need to grow up, and if he does not grow up, he will have no value. Doting will make children feel useless."
Children who are spoiled and raised are accustomed to responding to everything they want and are very self-centered. It is difficult to manage their emotions, selfish and self-willed. It is difficult to grow up and find self-worth. It's easy to get frustrated in interpersonal and social situations.
parents always think that it is selfless love to protect their children from the wind and rain; in fact, unconditional doting is the "harm" of raising and abandoning their children.