I suspect I have depression.

I suspect I have depression.

recently I have been waking up in the middle of the night with cold sweats, shaking hands, and occasional insomnia and loss of appetite.

I dreamt that at more than eight o'clock on the night of my grandfather's death in 2006, my brother, sister, cousin and I received a call from my grandfather at home. My mother said, "Grandpa is leaving. Come and see him for the last time. The door doesn't need to be locked. Come on." When we got to the ward over there, he was already gone, scrawny and yellow, and the adults told us to yell at Grandpa, talk to him, let him know that we were there for him, and maybe even call him back. I know it doesn't help. Followed by a room full of wailing, usually seemingly resolute adults suddenly become crying children, but when I was a child, I played the role of an adult, taking care to comfort my younger sisters. With a long reflex arc, I usually don't feel anything at the moment when something happens, because I don't realize what's going on at all, and by the time I react, my bad mood lasted for two years.

I dreamt that when I was in primary school, my mother went to the big hospital in the city for surgery, and my father went to take care of her. Every day after school, our three brothers and sisters would go to the stall at the school gate to buy a box lunch. My classmates asked me why I always eat this. How unhealthy it is. Where's your mother? I told her that my parents went on a trip. It's not that I don't want to tell the truth, it's just that my mother taught me from an early age, don't tell outsiders about bad things. When I grew up, I understood it as not bringing negative emotions to others, but only sharing happy things. This idea has a lasting and far-reaching impact on me, and I doubt it will affect me for the rest of my life.

I dreamt that I was studying in a high school in the city. Once my father seemed to have found out a serious illness in the hospital. "suspected" was because my parents did not tell us the truth, for fear of affecting our study. Sherlock Holmes eel whale noticed something strange about his mother on the phone and went home that evening. It was more than an hour's drive, and the last row of the bus cried foolishly with the bombardment of Noah's Ark in May. I remember it was December 20, 2012, the day before the end of the world. I watched the moon all night and sent farewell messages to everyone.

I dreamt that my sister had an accident before the college entrance examination and almost couldn't take the exam. I also dreamt that I had never cried in front of people in primary school. One day in college, when I was so sick that I could only lie in bed and could not move, I heard the voice of my family suddenly crying on the phone, which scared my parents to death.

I woke up, fell asleep, and woke up again and again in my repeated dreams about the reincarnation of life and death.

I suspect I have depression.

still lying on the bed after class time during the day, staring at the old fan turning at full speed above the head, listening to its squeaky hoarse sound for a minute, like a century.

I completely forgot how I floated from the bed to the classroom. I only remember sitting in the last row, lying on the desk, soft, like a dismembered skeleton or a hydrogen balloon pumped out of the air.

I feebly took out my cell phone from my bag and sent a message to friends I knew well: is there any way to make a person happy and cheer up as soon as possible? I know full well that they won't get any answers that can actually help. How can I ask my old high school friends who haven't seen each other for a long time to help you with the situation I know best? But I asked. The boy told me to travel and keep a pet. The girl told me to eat candy, watch movies and get a good night's sleep. I didn't reply. I think they all think I'm just kidding.

I suspect I have depression.

I deal feebly with the people I'm talking to at a volume I can't hear clearly. I directly ignore the idle pleasantries of my friends. I refuse to make eye contact with anyone I know. It is difficult for people who reflect a long arc to react when something big happens suddenly, but it is a little thing that makes you collapse a long time later: you can't find your socks when you're late, you can't wait for the bus, you can't find the keys, you go back to the dormitory on the wrong floor, take the money in one hand and throw the money in the trash can in the other and put the paper in your wallet. Every little thing can detonate me, but the way the explosion will only involve myself, will not hurt others. The

sign originated from a phone call I received on the afternoon of my first disorganized typesetting a few days ago. It was my mother, and when I was full of joy and wanted to share with her that I had found something I was interested in doing well, she told my brother that the MRI report had come out. And then, there is no such thing. Because my mom said, don't tell anyone anything bad.

so even if one second u200d receives a message of thunderbolt in the corridor outside the dormitory, the next second he pushes open the dormitory door and starts to joke at his roommate. When you are unhappy, you always go against your mood and post a bunch of photos of delicious food and play on your moments to cover it up. Until a friend asked, "have you been living a good life lately?" To realize how good it feels to slap yourself.

u200du200du200d

I don't know if you have heard of Deng Lixin's "Live to Beauty". There is a passage that sings like this: he used to be like the sun, but now this shape, I can only think of impermanence, which makes my heart cold. In this situation, he still told me that he had been happy, not disappointed.

I don't have the slightest meaning to explain or complain to you about how unfortunate my life is. Fortunately, it is not measured in this way.

it's just that life and death is what I think can't be surpassed, which goes against the principle of my childhood. Primary school told my classmates that they were "desperate for the first one" and were not afraid of death at all, and I also said that after so much experience, I thought I could look down on life and death. I think what I'm saying is, for myself, death is not terrible in itself. I always think it was an instant. After you die, you don't feel it.I don't believe in religion and I don't believe in heaven and hell after death. I only believe in a handful of ashes buried. What I am afraid of is the guilt I felt for my family before I died, the annoyance and pain I brought to them. On the contrary, he is also afraid that he is the one who bears the pain.

daughter Ah Mui runs a funeral for her father in the Taiwanese movie "the Seven days of the Queen". The absurd funeral custom in the countryside made the whole funeral laugh more than tears, but she, who had hardly ever cried at the funeral, suddenly thought of her father when she was passing through the Hong Kong airport a few months later, and burst into tears. There is a line like this: "I often forget, so it often becomes very heavy unwittingly, until one day after my father, I sat on a flight from Hong Kong to Tokyo and watched the flight attendants pushing duty-free tobacco and alcohol past. Subconsciously remind myself, back to Taiwan, before entering the country, remember to buy you a Huang longevity."

after the death of the person you care about, the most painful thing is not the "seven days after the father", but the countless days that suddenly come to mind. Death itself is not terrible, there is concern, it is terrible.

watching my friends quarrel with their boyfriend and girlfriend because of a little thing, break up, break up and get back together, every time they have to cry, get drunk all night, and even think of suicide. Living people can squander at will because they have a lot of time and future. They do not have to cherish it. They can easily end their lives for the people they like, and they can completely ignore the feelings of their family and friends. It seems that if they do not abandon life and death in this way, they will not be able to show that they have been in love. They probably don't know that there are some people in the world who are more difficult to seek good health all their lives, and they probably never thought that some people dare not get sick or suffer because they are afraid of becoming a burden on their families.

this is the case with the Chinese. The concept of family is too heavy. It is clear that everyone in a family is an individual, but we must turn it into a life community. You are happy, so I am happy, you are in pain, so I am in pain. I don't know if this is a traditional virtue or a moral obstacle.

I agree that people can't always do things based on the feelings of the people around them. But I think the difference between life and death, physical skin parents, if there is another person in the world who needs you, you should think twice about this person before giving up your life.

u 200d I suspect I have depression, although I don't know how to define depression. U200du200du200d I think maybe I am not suffering from depression, maybe I have a disease of "thinking that if I make myself feel bad, I can share half of the suffering for the people I care about", maybe it is still a disease of "thinking that if I look embarrassed a little bit, I can get the devil to sympathize and go home."

I just want to live well with you.

it's good to be alive.

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the question "What is the important thing in life?" I gave in the oral English test. It says: Being alive at the end.

it's good to be alive.