Learning to refuse is a great talent.

Harvard University has done a survey:

if a person learns to refuse reasonably, it can reduce more than 90% of unnecessary trouble and a lot of personal time and energy waste.

in fact, learning to refuse is a scarce ability.

some people drag themselves to exhaustion because they don't know how to refuse, while others make their lives more comfortable and relaxed because they know how to refuse.

01

reject meaningless socializing

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have you ever experienced that

sometimes in order to fit in, you have to go to meaningless dinners, drink some reluctant wine, and say something insincere.

in fact, when the person is wrong, you don't have to go along with it, when the circle is different, you don't have to force it.

actor Chen Daoming has always kept a low profile. In addition to filming, he usually reads, writes and does crafts at home.

once in an interview with Yang Lan, he mentioned: "when I think about socializing, I suffer, especially when a person is drunk and says a word to you four or five times, and when a business card is handed to you eight times, you feel angry, angry, and very annoyed."

so in his time alone, he not only made his life simple and happy enough, but also gained inner richness and abundance.

sometimes, when you know what you really want to do and the life you really like, you don't waste your time on unimportant people and things.

host Dou Wentao has been a host for nearly 20 years. He has known and interviewed guests in all kinds of industries, and they are not short of popularity.

but Dou Wentao has very few friends. Apart from doing programs, he can even stay at home for two weeks without going out, and he doesn't see anyone.

he once mentioned: "it is very important for friends to be fastidious in addition to friendship." The so-called fastidious, can be understood as taste, just learn, hit it off, talk and so on. "

sometimes, if you don't agree with each other, no matter how much you push the cup for another, no matter how you call it a brother, it's just a stranger, or even a chicken talking to a duck.

there are many moments when we are afraid to say no, in circles you don't want to join, people you don't want to know, and socializations you don't want to participate in.

in fact, it is not a fellow traveler. No matter how much you please, no matter how much you make do with it, it does not have much value and significance.

as the saying goes, "instead of pretending to have a lot of friends, I returned to loneliness and started my life alone with the real me."

sometimes I can't stand the torture of loneliness, but I'd rather maintain my self-esteem in this way than get that kind of superficial friend. "

02

refuses bottomless consumption

writer Jia Pingwa once wrote in "knocking on the door" that he had moved five times in a city, but each time he would come to an uninvited guest and even be disturbed frequently.

every time he opened the door because he couldn't stand the knock on the door. as a result, all the people who came in did almost everything, and they all came to embarrass him.

these people either ask him to write banners to their superiors, or some hall will invite him to attend, or even have nothing to do, to relieve boredom.

and this group of people come empty-handed every time, not only smoke his cigarettes and drink his tea, but also delay his work, making it impossible for him to write articles at all.

in fact, in life, there is no shortage of people who always consume you. If you can't refuse to learn, it will eventually bring you countless troubles and troubles.

the painter Qi Baishi, who once begged him to paint for free or bargain because it was difficult to refuse, was not only exhausted physically and mentally, but also admitted to the hospital.

he couldn't stand it any longer, so he wrote two confessions in the living room.

an advertisement reads: sell paintings regardless of friendship, the gentleman is ashamed, please pay according to Runge. "

another advertisement reads: "Flowers plus insects and birds, 10 yuan each, rattan and bees, 20 yuan each." Those who reduce prices will lose money and benefit themselves, but I am not happy to see them. "

later, few people tried to embarrass him and could not take advantage of him that they should not have.

in fact, when you express your attitude and principles, it is difficult for others to take advantage of you without restraint.

Bai Yansong once said, "Why do people take you less and less seriously? because you are too talkative. You promise as soon as you ask for something and give it to you as soon as you ask for it."

there are too many people in the world you don't need to pay attention to. When they treat you with an attitude that consumes you, they just don't respect you.

if you cater blindly, in the end, they will only unscrupulously seek personal gain from you, and you will only be completely dragged down or even exhausted by them.

03

reject out-of-bounds help

maybe many people are embarrassed to refuse when they are faced with other people's help.

because they are used to being good people, they always think that if they don't try their best to help, they will not only hurt each other's goodwill, but also lose face.

in fact, you should do your best to help as much as you can. But if you exceed your abilities and boundaries, you will end up dragging down and losing only yourself.

in the TV series Ode to Joy, Guan Guan is a person who doesn't know how to refuse.

on one occasion, when a colleague was not feeling well, he asked her to do the rest of the work and signed it at the end. In fact, Guan also had very important things and endless tasks at that time, but he still reluctantly promised.

later, the part of the work done by my colleagues went wrong.When he was punished by the leader, Guan Guan felt very innocent, but his colleagues did not even have a word of comfort from beginning to end.

sometimes, what goes beyond the bounds is taken for granted. Sometimes, out-of-bounds kindness is used as a scapegoat.

in the Japanese TV series Life of Yoshima, the heroine Hiroshima Oshima is an out-and-out good man in the workplace.

my colleague made a mistake. All he had to do was give her a look. He immediately said, "I'm sorry," and then take it back to the company to correct it.

the work that my colleagues can't finish, as long as I say hello to her, even if she stays and works overtime, she has to help with it.

originally she thought that she would win the favor of her colleagues by doing so, but on one occasion she accidentally found that people laughed at her behind her back and even looked down on her at all.

sometimes we think that if we are wronged to help others, we will get recognition and gratitude from others, but in fact you are just giving others the right and opportunity to bully you.

there was a saying: "the good old man is a kind of poison, which not only makes himself addicted, but also makes the other person addicted to your demands. In the end, everyone becomes enemies and will end this highly toxic interpersonal relationship."

in fact, in adulthood, we have to learn to refuse to help, those who do not belong to us, but put all the pressure and responsibility on our own.